Stylin'...or Not

Halloween happened a week or so ago. I love me some Halloween and usually develop a strong obsession with wearing the PERFECT costume. However, when you're broke, new to a city, and aren't surrounded by friends who are also obsessed with costuming, it's hard to make the perfect costume happen. I've also found that I tend to shit out on myself every other year or so. If my costume last year was incredible (it was), then this year's will be mediocre, at best (it was). The only good thing about mediocre costumes is that I usually find a way to wear a couple mediocre costumes throughout the weekend. I guess two crappy costumes are better than one? So anyway, this year, on Saturday night, I wore (fake) blood soaked hospital scrubs, and then on Sunday, I wore what I called an Ambivalent Hipster costume, which consisted of a bunch of normal clothes I already had, worn together to suggest that I'm too cool and alternative to give a shit. I posted a picture of it on Facebook, and got a lot of compliments about how cute it was. I did actually kind of agree, but it also felt really trendy and like I tried really hard to look nice. However, there's nothing wrong with looking nice, and now, after all the compliments and the fact that I actually felt noticeable and decent that day, I've decided that I need to revamp my personal style. I'm not going for "hipster cool," but I would like to take advantage of some trends that actually work really well for me. Plus, I totally want to go shopping. It'll take some time to put the wardrobe together satisfactorily, but consider it my goal for the rest of this year.

We Can Do Anything by Working with Each Other!e

Cheese, cheese, cheese title, I know. It's a song from the Garbage Pail Kids movie, and it's on during a typical 80s movie scene: there's a major obstacle that prevents the characters from achieving some kind of we're-the-underdogs, but-we-can-totally-DO-THIS-type goal, so there's a hark-work-pays-off montage with something upbeat and inspirational playing the background. I started thinking about this song today after a couple of texts from Dude this morning, freaking out about his truck not working. If his truck doesn't work, how's he going to get here? He could just wait, push back the move date, and work for a while longer until he can afford something. The problem with that is that I'm turning 30 in three weeks, and I really want him to be there. Part of the whole plan will have to be changed if he won't be there. I'll still have an old friend to hang out with, but this birthday's a big deal to me (well, all birthdays are a big deal to me, but especially this one. It's totally a milestone, after all) and I just really want him there in time for it. Renting something is exorbitantly expensive. Buying another vehicle in the next two weeks is unaffordable (I think?), unless he's willing to do something drastic like use a credit card. I know, I know, it's horrible. The debt is expensive as shit, the rates are too high, and it takes forever to pay them off, not to mention the fact that if something happens to the car, you still have to pay the ridiculous card bills. It's a very extreme decision. However, that option is what made me start thinking about the song. Between my prodding and his will, we can make him coming here happen, one way or another. I have that kind of attitude because being persistent has been a huge part of my personality for as long as I can remember. It probably started because my parents never really told me no. I kind of got to do whatever I wanted, and get whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. I was an only child for four years and my parents were old enough to not be scraping-the-barrel-broke. I never wanted for anything, as the saying goes, and I guess that stuck with me. They remained lax and yielding to me, and I learned to get what I wanted. This, of course, doesn't apply to everything in my life, but when I can control it in any way, I do. I get that this could sound a little unstable, and I understand, but it works for me, so whatever.

So the whole point of the rambling is that if I were in the situation Dude's in, I'd simply find a way. I'd use a credit card, if I had to. I'd take out way more student loans than necessary. I would sell all my earthly possessions. He doesn't even have pets to deal with. They complicated this process more than I could have ever imagined. If absolutely nothing else, he could pack what he can carry and/or check, and buy a plane ticket with the $500 deposit he got back from the house. I wanted this and needed this, really, so, so, SO badly that I would've done whatever I had to do to get here. I didn't have to go to extremes, but I am taking on a fat pile of debt. Again. I'm looking forward, though, to the much better paying job I'll get when I'm done here in two plus years.

Maybe this all just means that he doesn't want this badly enough. Maybe he doesn't want his life to change as much as I did. I guess that if that's the case, it's probably best that he makes excuses and talks his way out of it, or he'll just be miserable, which won't be any fun for me, either. Just because this is what's right for me, doesn't necessarily mean it's right for him, I suppose. I think it's totally worth it for him and that he just needs a combination of open-mindedness and adventure and he'll be great here. It's not for me to decide, though.

Burning Loins

So, there's plenty that I *should* be doing right now, but when the mood to write strikes, I can't ignore it, so here I am instead. The things that need to be done are some laundry, some working out, some dj meeting prep work and most importantly, some homework, but it's all going to have to wait another 20 minutes, which isn't much, if you really think about it.

A couple things struck me today and made me feel like writing. The first one is that I'm so goddamn horny that I can't go to bed at night without having at least one sex-related dream. Most of them result in the proverbial blue balls (or maybe blue...clit? Vulva? Vagina? There's no real female equivalent to balls, are there...hmmm...) and I'm too disappointed upon waking to finish it off. It's been years since I've been so hard up for naughty time, but I'm not surprised by it. For the first time in a very long time, everything in my life is new. I have new, long term goals that I work toward accomplishing every day, and it feels good. I feel good about myself, for a change, and that makes me feel good about being a sexual person again. And boy howdy, am I ever one of those. If Dude doesn't get here, soon, I might have to invest in the entire line of toys from my catalogs (by the way, have I ever mentioned that I sell sex toys? Yeah, thank goodness, I know), even though toys are never as much fun as the real thing.

Speaking of Dude and him getting here, he's starting to get really nervous about it. He had a mini-freak out yesterday because he's worried about leaving all his friends and family, and he's worried about not having any money. For the record, while earning money once he's here is important, it's not on the top of the list, due to the fact that my student loan money will pay for us to live here, for at least the next year, if not forever. What I do consider to the on the top of the list is that he opens his heart and his mind to all things new. There's no other way for him to make this change in his life and come out of it a happy person. It's hard and lonely sometimes, to pick up and move your entire life across the country, but it's really, really good, too, IF you're willing to embrace it. I'm honestly not 100% confident that he is willing, which will make both of our lives hell for a while, if he doesn't. We'll just have to wait and see, I guess.

Somewhat related to the previous paragraph is that I MISS my friends from home so terribly much! I'm not sure how I'd do this and remain anything but a sobbing pile of shit without facebook. I suppose you could argue that it would be easier without facebook, because I wouldn't have the constant reminder of what's going on with them, but I love it and wouldn't give it up for the world. I've only been here for about six weeks, and as much as I do love it and have embraced it, I feel like the midwest will eventually be my home destination, once I'm through here. And I'm totally cool with that.

Newness is Goodness

It's been a while since I've written here, hasn't it. Updates are in order, I think.

The move to NM has been successfully completed. I've been here for almost three weeks now, and so far, so good. Dude should be joining me in another month or so, and I've got the cats with me, thank goodness, or else I'd be one lonely, sad sack right now. If it weren't for the cats, I'd have a dog by now, for sure.

Classes started last week, and getting back into the swing of having actual homework to do is strange, but not bad, probably because I only have two real classes this semester. I'm starting another class this week, only this one is purely voluntary and much different than my other ones. The university offers tons of work-out type classes every day, all day, for free to students, and I'm checking out pilates today. I've done pilates at home before, and I don't hate it the way I hate most work-outs. The best work-out I've ever had was water aerobics, so I might try that class tomorrow. Either way, I simply must take advantage of the fact that there're free classes at my disposal, every day and all day. Pushing 30 has really made me aware of my metabolism, and the fact that it's been slower and slower every year since 25. There's no reason at all for me to be unhappy about my body, especially when I have the classes at my disposal.

I should also be able to pick up my financial aid check tomorrow, deposit it into my new bank account tomorrow afternoon, and finally, finally, finally, buy a new couch on Friday! I can't WAIT to have real furniture in the giant, beautiful and currently empty living room! It's the only thing I'm willing to spend a significant bit of money on by buying it new instead of used, so I'm going to make the most of it and get a huge, sweet sectional that me, Dude and all three cats can be on at the same time, without touching each other. That probably sounds like something really strange to be excited about, but it's a big deal for me. The old living room was tiny, and the one, regular sized couch we had barely accommodated both of us. I want space to sprawl and I want us both to be able to fall asleep on the couch without getting in each other's way. Everything else will be bought used from the various used furniture places here, or from Craigslist. The next things on the list are an office desk with tons of storage and a dresser for the rest of my clothes that won't fit in my closet. It's slow going, but I love furnishing a new place!

More (Potential) Roses

I've had another lovely rose pop up recently, in the form of a Samsung Acclaim smartphone. It took me a while to figure out how to run the basic functions, but once I kind of figured out what I was doing, I starting looking into various applications. My most recent and so far, most favorite, is one called Calorie Counter. I put the food and the serving size into the program and it calculates the calories and nutritional info. It's AWESOME and I'm back to being conscious of the food I put in my body again.

Everything's Coming Up Roses...

...and it's about damn time! Seriously, though? So many things I've wanted for so very long have finally started to happen this year! Some things also totally sucked, but so far, it's all led to something even more awesome than I could've imagined. I guess it kind of started when I got laid off last fall from a job I didn't like at all, and couldn't have stayed at too long by choice anyway. I drew unemployment and lazed about for a while, and it was nice. Then I started to feel like a pile of worthless, non-contributing crap and my benefits were nearing their end, and found some hilarious and sometimes awesome census work. Then it was back to the old test scoring place that has temp. jobs year round for a few months. Somewhere in there, I applied for a wedding coordinator/dj job. Considering the fact that they just offered me a branch of their business in the city I'm moving to in less than a month, rather than lose me all together, I'd say that's worked out incredibly well. And why am I moving in less than a month? Oh, only because I got accepted to graduate school. So now, I have a job that encompasses everything I've ever wanted one to have, I get to learn a bunch of new stuff, and be in an intellectual environment again. I seriously couldn't ask for more right now. Well, except for ourselves, our crap, and especially our cats to be magically transported the thousand plus miles that it's going to take to get there, for free. Alas, it'll never be. A girl can dream, can't she?

Basketcase is the New Black

When I stroll around online, looking for regular people who write well and post the writing online, I'm beginning to notice a pattern. The ones I like the most, that is, the ones that end up sending me back into the archives and reading from the beginning, are the ones that are totally open about being a little bit, or sometimes a lot, batshit crazy. They're funny, but heart-wrenching and serious sometimes, too. Mostly, though, they're literary representations of mental instability, and I love it. It makes me feel more normal. I guess that's the obvious point. Ultimately, it encourages me to be a little more honest, or sometimes a lot, about what happens in my own head when shit gets a little weird.

Finally!

After coming up with another, elaborate back-up plan, and getting genuinely excited about it, I received an acceptance letter from NMSU. For about 25 minutes, I considered whether or not I should do it, and was pretty much decided from then on. Every, possible scenario that rolled through my head, ended with knowing that I'll regret it hugely someday if I don't do it. So I'm doing it! I plan to be in Las Cruces by August 1st, and starting school the 19th. This is going to be a huge change for me, and I can't wait! I haven't really exercised my adaptability in a long time, and it's way overdue. I need to break and make some neuron connections!

The change in my mood since finding out is quantifiable. I didn't realize how often I was thinking about my future, until the thoughts weren't negative anymore. At least daily, if not several times a day, I think about the future. Before I was accepted, I would think about the summertime, and how I already know how it's all going to go, because I've done it here many, many times before. There's nothing exciting about that. It simply meant that the fall would be next, and that I'll be 30 in the fall, and nothing out of the ordinary is going to happen. Regardless of whatever turning 30 means, and keep in mind that it's meaning is entirely subjective, it is a milestone birthday in our culture, and I want to recognize said milestone with something new and exciting. Because really, what's a milestone at all if it's not the beginning of a new chapter of life?

Now when I think about the summertime, I think about how it'll be my last one here, and I better pay attention to the details. There will likely be more summers in my future in the midwest, but never here again. I love it here, but I'm through with it. I've been through with it for a long time. Now when I think about the fall, I think about turning 30 in a brand, spanking new environment, and the fact that I'll have been there long enough by then to have an idea of how to really take advantage of my surroundings. I also think about the old friends that will be slightly more accessible to me, and I get to believe that seeing them more often in general, and maybe even for my birthday specifically, is a tangible thing. When I mentioned to one of my best, old pals, who happens to have a 30th birthday four days after mine, that perhaps we could find a way to celebrate together this year, she agreed honestly and wholeheartedly.

This is so wonderful. I feel almost like a weight that I didn't even know was there, has been lifted from my shoulders. It stung a little when another friend said, "Better late than never," (though coming from this woman, who's on her way to Quantico, VA to become an FBI agent--seriously--it's an entirely valid statement), but even that was a negligible point. The bottom line here is that I'm going to do what I've said I've wanted to do for years and years. I've sought an opportunity, followed through with requesting for it to happen, and now that's it's finally been handed to me, I'm taking it and running until my lungs explode. This is IT. It's my "dream" future, and it's happening. In five years (or so; not entirely sure about that yet), I'll be teaching in a post-high school environment, making money that doesn't suck, and getting a couple months every year to do whatever I want, work-free. I'm a little in awe of myself and my life right now, especially after typing it all out here, and reading it over and over. I can't wait to see what my future brings, now that's it's become unpredictable!

Not Enough Hours in the Day

Though it's only through temporary jobs, I'm back to working full time. I'm actually working more than full time with the direct sales and dj gig I've started doing, so there's just no free time for blogging these days. I'm not complaining, though. I'm actually really glad to be back amongst the wage-earning members of society.

No word from grad school yet, and honestly, the closer I get to hearing back from them, the less I want to go. That's fucked, I know. Can't help it, though. Just in the last couple of months, I've really felt like I've found my niche around here. I have a great group of friends who, now that the weather is nicer, I see more and more often. We have so much fun together, and I finally don't feel like an outsider amongst them anymore. When I think about having to leave them behind, I get a little sad, honestly. So if grad school doesn't work out, I think I need to work on finding a need in this, relative area, that isn't being fulfilled, and fill it. I want to be In Charge, I want to be the Center of Attention, and I want to tell people what to do. How hard can it be to find something that corresponds to all of that?

Ha! We'll see!

Once again...

I'm writing because I'm depressed. I don't feel the need to write and express myself when I'm happy, the way that I do when I'm not. When I'm sad, it's like this insistent need to get my thoughts out of my head, maybe because I feel like someone will hear them and help me. Help or no help, I do feel better after it's out, so here we go again.

Today I'm feeling like shit because a) it's cold and gray outside so I won't leave the house and that makes me feel like a shut-in loser; b) so many people I know and care about are getting into fitness and health and I want to do the same, but I'm absurdly lazy; c) I have no fucking idea what's going on with my grad recommendation letter writers, but I haven't received anything from any of them and it's starting to piss me off; and d) Dude still has no job and the resulting depression is leaking into my head. I think that's it. There are other, more superficial things that annoy me every day, but they don't cause me to not want to get out of bed.

Another One Rides the Bus

Another One Bites the Dust by Queen was at the top of the charts when I was born. I was partial to Weird Al, though (whom I share a birthday with, thanks), hence the title, which is completely unrelated to what I want to write about.

The actual topic of this post is that I may have finally found the thing that works for me, as far as trying to lose some weight. (Side note: Yes, I want to lose weight. In that respect, I'm absolutely the stereotypical, white, American woman. I'm obsessed with stereotypes, both understanding why they exist and disproving them, and I try to think about them in my own, personal, day to day life. I generally want to break them down in the hopes that it will inspire someone who doesn't realize he or she has the choice to do what he or she wants, instead of only what's expected. But when it comes to this one, I really do embody it, and as much as its stereotypical, it's also pure fact, because I'm actually overweight, right now more so than I've ever been...hello Age 30!)

Back to what I trying to say before I interrupted myself, I think I know how to lose weight, finally! Its taken over a year and several different tries (none of which were weird or unhealthy diets, by the way), but I'm finally starting to notice some changes. They're tiny, for sure, but I think they're there. I put on a brand new shirt the other day, one that I bought about three weeks ago, and it didn't fit quite right. I remember when I bought it that I thought about going down a size, but decided to stick with what fit me best at that moment. The issue was that its damn near impossible to find a button-front shirt that fits my waist and my boobs at the same time. If it fits my waist, I can barely button it over the boobs. If it fits the boobs, it looks like a maternity tent on the rest of me. So, I bought the one that fit the boobs because it has a tie around the waist to cinch it and make it fit well there. It fit wonderfully at the store three weeks ago. Then I got it home and put it in the closet, to be worn for the next dress-up opportunity that came my way.

Threeish weeks later (in other words, the other night), I put the shirt on, tied up the waist, and stood in front of the mirror. Lo and behold, it didn't look right anymore. It was baggy and a little tenty everywhere. So I adjusted the straps on my bra, thinking that maybe the giganto boobs needed to be lifted a bit. It helped, but it was still too big. It took me a second to realize that the only logical conclusion is that I'VE LOST WEIGHT! I don't own a scale and I hadn't noticed any other changes yet, so this was a revelation. I'm still a little on the disbelieving side because it was too easy. I've barely done anything different in the last couple months than I've been doing for my entire life. I'm simply keeping track of the calories that go in, in relation to the ones that are burned up. Its so fucking simple, and yet, its taken me so long to just try it.

I'm still not doing much in the muscle-building area, but I'll continue to tell myself that its because the weather is shitty and I hate winter and it just needs it to be nicer outside. I won't worry about that for a while yet. Even so, at this rate, I'll be able to go bathing suit shopping in the spring and it might actually be fun instead of depressing and torturous!

Winter Blues

I'm definitely someone who feels the Winter Blues come January. I knew it would be especially shitty this year, what with the unemployment of Dude and myself. December went surprisingly well, despite the fact that we were spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week together. We didn't have money for extracurricular activity of any sort, so we stayed home because the weather was way too shitty to leave the house, watched movies, spent too much time online, cleaned, ate and slept. And it was fine; dare I even say it was Good. Normally, I can't spend that much one-on-one time with anyone without getting annoyed and bitchy, but that didn't happen. Well, not until January, anyway. Notoriously the most depressing month of the year (at least in this part of the country, what with the HEINOUS winters we get), the January Doldrums kicked in hard and heavy within the first week. Dude had no income and I only had unemployment income. Unemployment is all well and good, but my stash ran out very recently, and the federal extension only goes until the end of February. I'm really, really, really hoping for another extension, as I've yet to find a job, but if it doesn't happen, I might be totally screwed, income-wise, for the first time in my life. It's not a pleasant thought. So there's all that to think about, and then there's a dude who stopped taking his brain meds because he didn't want to spend the money to refill the prescription. Obviously, that's a huge "DUH" to him because he NEEDS to take the meds and his shitty mood will only get worse and potentially unbearable without them. (Side note, why is it that so many dudes are willing to put their health and well-being on the back burner if they become inconveniences? What good is anything else in your life, if you don't have your health?!) He also didn't tell me that he hadn't had any meds for over two weeks at that point, so I just thought, for two entire weeks, that he was morphing into a terrible troll of a person the entire time and getting more and more and more angry at him. When he finally did tell me, I got annoyed, of course, but then realized why he'd been so incredibly difficult to live with lately and felt a whole lot better about us, instantly. He wasn't a troll after all! He was just stupid! So the next day, he refills his 'scrip and within a couple days, he's back to normal.

Then, miracles upon miracles, HE GOT A JOB! Granted, it was temporary, but still, any income at all is clearly better than none! His friend owns a flooring business and needed help with a job, so Dude started last week. It was going fine (surprisingly enough, since Dude is so very, very resistant to change of any sort), until he came home last night and said that the other part-owner of the business was getting on his case about not working fast enough. Now, keep in mind that Dude's never done this type of work before and this was literally his second day of doing it on his own, so it's entirely possible that the co-owner was just being a dick. I've done enough construction (not much, for sure, but enough) to know that the new guy always gets shit about being slow. Always. It's just sort of how that "boy's club" environment works. Something to do with the size of their dicks and level of machismo. But regardless, Dude wasn't taking the shit well, and I can't blame him because it totally sucks to know that everyone is better than you and that your income depends on your performance. On the other hand, I understand that if Dude were faster, they'd all be done with the job sooner and make more money. So anyway, I just tried to chalk it up to "boy's club" and machismo. But then I woke up at 10 a.m. and Dude was still here. I asked why and he said co-owner texted him this morning and told him they didn't need his help today. No one's said anything about tomorrow yet, but if this is it and Dude doesn't work with them anymore, I'm going to be PISSED. Someone needs to confront the goddamn situation here and find out what the fuck is going on, and it clearly can't be me (though I totally would). I don't want to be Dude's momma. He needs to deal with his own problems. And he also doesn't need to get shit from these guys about his girlfriend handling his life for him. So I'll guess I'll keep my mouth shut, sit back, and see what happens. It's Wednesday now. If he doesn't work anymore this week, something's going to have to be done. I really hope it doesn't come to that.

Shit Day

Today is a total shit day. I woke up feeling better than okay, but quickly descended into a dark, dark hole of despair. I feel awful about myself right now. I feel lazy, immature, unaccomplished, petty, complacent and sad. I'm a grown, almost 30 year old woman. I have two college degrees and no job. I talk a huge game about what I want my life to be like, and do almost NOTHING to make it happen. I'm a fucking fool.

The totally fucked up part about it is that I know I am fully capable of digging myself out of the deep, dark hole I've climbed into. Completing my grad school application would lift me to new levels of joy right now, and I'm positive that if I just sat down and did it, I'd be completely finished in not more than three hours. So why in the fuck have I not finished it yet?! Why do I ALWAYS do this?! Why do I put shit off until I feel like I want to put my fucking head in the oven for being worthless and lazy? I do. Not. Know. I do know that I do this constantly, though. Am I insane? A glutton for punishment? An utter masochist? What the fuck is my problem?! I mean, I'm completely aware that I operate best under pressure, so is that it? Do I put ridiculous, guilt-for-not-accomplishing-shit pressure onto myself in order to force myself to DO SOMETHING? I have no other explanation for it, so I guess that's it. Or maybe the explanation is that I just am, in fact, a worthless piece of shit.

In only somewhat related news, I interviewed for a job on Monday, and while the job is totally stupid and will require a 45 minute commute each way every goddamn day, it would still be nice to get it and not be un-fucking-employed anymore. However, I know, without a single doubt in my mind, that I WILL hate it if I do get it. I'll sit in a cubicle with a goddamn headset on, calling people who don't want to hear from me to offer them products that, if they really needed them, they would have ordered on their own time, without any prompting from me or anyone else. So it'll be really, really stupid. But it's also really, really necessary for me to have regular and dependable income and health insurance. So I'll take it if it's offered, and because it's such a shit job, I would be more surprised if they didn't offer it to me. I expect they have a high turnover rate, which means damn near anyone will get a chance at it. I guess one good thing about it would be that I would have a deadline to finish the graduate school application because I know I wouldn't have the energy to work on it if I were working a shitty full time job. So if the job is offered, I'll have from now until whenever they ask me to start to finish the app. Wish me luck, I guess.