Dreaming of Weird

The last two nights, I've had utterly bizarre dreams. Here's a real quick re-cap of the main events, just so I don't forget:

1. I already don't remember exactly what led up to the weirdest part of the dream, but I was at my mom's house. There were a lot of other poeple there. Maybe some family, maybes some friends, and maybe some strangers. I was arguing with a man about being inside the house. He didn't want me there, and for some reason, his wishes actually did have some weight. However, there was a woman there who's wishes held more, because she was an official owner of the home. So I was shit talking and generally being fairly rude to this man and told him that if the woman told me to leave, I would, but not before then. She didn't ask me to leave; she and I were on the same side, whatever that meant. So then the man is standing just outside the open door, the woman and I and some others are inside, and the woman picks up a handgun. She's just sort of messing around with it and trying to figure out exactly how it works, I think, when it goes off. The man I'd been snotting off to falls through the open doorway into the house and he's got a small, bloody hole in his forehead. He says something like, Isn't anyone going to call the ambulance? I'm suddenly freaking out and feeling really, really guilty about snotting off to him just minutes before, and wondering if I'll be in any trouble for this accident.

I don't remember anything else about this one, and it's completely clear that regardless of my rudeness, I would obviously not be responsible for shooting the man, but I was terrified nonetheless.

2. This one happened after I went back to sleep from the dream I just described. Again, I don't remember all the details, but I think I remember more than the last one. Somehow, I'd been invited (or maybe I was someone's "plus one," or maybe I was even just a friend of someone working the event) to a huge, fancy, winter wedding. Lots of elaborate, jewel-toned dresses, black tuxes, British accents, gold filigree and champagne. My aunt was there as a guest, but she was sort of in the background for most of it and also provided some of the food because she's a wonderful cook. Before the wedding started, I remember being in the home of someone directly involved with the wedding (I think I was spending the weekend there or something rather than getting a hotel room, which would mean that I was welcome to be there, at least at some point) and there were at least five Persian cats there, all of whom had been dyed to match the dresses, so there were magenta, emerald and navy colored kitties everywhere. I wasn't grossed out by it, though. I remember being surprised at how nice I thought it looked. Fast forward to after the wedding, during the reception. I was in a big, elaborate hotel/event center place where the wedding had been and where all the guests were now partying it up. I was sitting around a big fountain/hot tub thing and there were a bunch of dudes there that were in the wedding or something like that. Somehow, I ended up naked and they were pointing and laughing at me and generally behaving like immature, high school age, asshole boys. Then, out of nowhere, this huge group of bad ass chicks came out, handed me a robe, and proceeded to show off their martial arts skills and kick the asses of every dude there.

And that's all I've got on that one.

3. This one happened last night. One of my best friends from high school was getting married, but his fiance couldn't be at the wedding, so he needed a stand-in. Not sure how I ended up being that person, but I was (and for that matter, I don't know why anyone would ever have a stand-in at their own wedding--I mean, wouldn't you just cancel/postpone it?!). I went through the whole wedding, complete with rings, vows, friends and family, pretending to be the woman he was marrying. I feel like some people knew I was merely a stand-in, but some didn't, so I had to really play up the role. My actual boyfriend and mom were at the reception area, which was at a high school (hilarious) with a huge, indoor soccer/football field and hot tub and outdoor swimming pool. Everyone from high school was there, but few of them would speak to me. They knew I was just a stand-in, and the ones I wasn't real friends with wouldn't even look at me. I wanted to hang out with them and be a part of the group, but I wasn't. That happened to me sometimes for real in high school, so it was a familiar feeling. I eventually saw a photo of the real bride, and was annoyed that she wasn't super attractive but that my best dude friend had fallen for her anyway. She was accomplished in her career, and I knew this only from the fact that I read a snippet about her favorite white business suit. I don't even remember making eye contact with the groom after the vows or getting a thank you for being the stand-in. I woke up feeling like a loser who, in almost 30 years of life, has accomplished nothing.

Two weeks ago, my grandmother died. I don't liked "passed away" or "passed on" or any other sugar coated phrase. She died. She's gone. It sucks really bad, but that's the truth of the matter, and I feel like not sugar coating it is what makes it real.

Gramma was ninety-one years old. She got sick and needed surgery. The surgery was a huge risk, but she was going to die for sure without it, so it was done. She did surprisingly well for a couple of weeks afterwards, but then went downhill and fell into a coma. Not long after that, her children collectively decided to have the feeding tube removed, up the morphine doses and basically just sick back and wait. It took longer than we expected, and there were very most likely some questions about whether they'd made the right decision. No one spoke about that, though, because the decision was made and the deed was done. Four days later, she died. Two of her six children were by her side.

Since I'm still unemployed, I went to my mom's house and stayed for almost a week. We have a big extended family and the majority of them were there for the wake and funeral, which was wonderful, but not at all surprising. Gramma was well loved and touched many, many lives. There was concern that there wouldn't be enough food to feed everyone who showed up for the funeral. The priest was crazy and at times, inappropriate, but we've all known him for many years and kind of expected that. Regardless of that, though, he was a regular presence in Gramma's life, and though she also recognized his senility, she would've greatly appreciated his being there.

The whole thing sucked really, really bad, and it was horrible to see my mom and the aunts and uncles who helped raise me crying and shuddering. However, there was a silver lining, believe it or not. My grandparents had six kids, which in turn led to thirteen grandkids, including myself. I spent a lot of time with my cousins growing up, and we developed some pretty incredible, strong, family bonds. I've always known that, but it's been a very long time since I've spent time with any of my cousins. I did last week, though. Hours and hours, actually, just sitting at Gramma's house, eating, drinking, talking and just being together. It was so utterly wonderful and it put a whole new perspective on my own life. The importance of family was like a punch to the gut. It's not that I didn't understand it before. It's just that I was reminded of how wonderful it is.

I'm nearing thirty. I've always wanted a masters degree. I've always wanted to live outside of the midwest. I've wanted to be a parent. I've wanted a lot of things, and I've spent my entire life talking about it, but doing nothing. My life won't last forever, though, and I'm pretty much out of time to be irresponsible and make excuses. If I want the things I say I want, it's time to make them happen.

So, I've found a grad school. I think I might want to have a baby. I'm totally freaked out that I just typed that sentence. I want to move to the southwest US, but I want to come back to the midwest, because this is where my family is, and I can't bare the thought of raising kids who don't get the chance to know their family.

I'm going to make this shit happen, starting now. And I'm really excited about it!

Sap

I like to say that I'm not normally an overly emotional person, but that's not really true. The truth is that I'm incredibly emotional; I'm just terrified of showing the emotions to anyone. It all comes down to weakness and the fact that I don't want people to think that that's what I am. I'm learning to not worry about that so much. I'm beginning to see that showing all of my emotions, not just the happy or angry ones, only makes me a more complete and real person. I'm thinking about this right now because I just watched a movie that made me cry. A lot. Happy crying, sad crying, incredulous crying...you name it, the movie covered it. It felt good. And it felt even better when my dude came out of the bedroom (because he wasn't interested in watching the chick flick) and I told him about the incessant crying. I'm not sure that I've ever admitted to him that a movie made me cry.