Once again...

I'm writing because I'm depressed. I don't feel the need to write and express myself when I'm happy, the way that I do when I'm not. When I'm sad, it's like this insistent need to get my thoughts out of my head, maybe because I feel like someone will hear them and help me. Help or no help, I do feel better after it's out, so here we go again.

Today I'm feeling like shit because a) it's cold and gray outside so I won't leave the house and that makes me feel like a shut-in loser; b) so many people I know and care about are getting into fitness and health and I want to do the same, but I'm absurdly lazy; c) I have no fucking idea what's going on with my grad recommendation letter writers, but I haven't received anything from any of them and it's starting to piss me off; and d) Dude still has no job and the resulting depression is leaking into my head. I think that's it. There are other, more superficial things that annoy me every day, but they don't cause me to not want to get out of bed.

Another One Rides the Bus

Another One Bites the Dust by Queen was at the top of the charts when I was born. I was partial to Weird Al, though (whom I share a birthday with, thanks), hence the title, which is completely unrelated to what I want to write about.

The actual topic of this post is that I may have finally found the thing that works for me, as far as trying to lose some weight. (Side note: Yes, I want to lose weight. In that respect, I'm absolutely the stereotypical, white, American woman. I'm obsessed with stereotypes, both understanding why they exist and disproving them, and I try to think about them in my own, personal, day to day life. I generally want to break them down in the hopes that it will inspire someone who doesn't realize he or she has the choice to do what he or she wants, instead of only what's expected. But when it comes to this one, I really do embody it, and as much as its stereotypical, it's also pure fact, because I'm actually overweight, right now more so than I've ever been...hello Age 30!)

Back to what I trying to say before I interrupted myself, I think I know how to lose weight, finally! Its taken over a year and several different tries (none of which were weird or unhealthy diets, by the way), but I'm finally starting to notice some changes. They're tiny, for sure, but I think they're there. I put on a brand new shirt the other day, one that I bought about three weeks ago, and it didn't fit quite right. I remember when I bought it that I thought about going down a size, but decided to stick with what fit me best at that moment. The issue was that its damn near impossible to find a button-front shirt that fits my waist and my boobs at the same time. If it fits my waist, I can barely button it over the boobs. If it fits the boobs, it looks like a maternity tent on the rest of me. So, I bought the one that fit the boobs because it has a tie around the waist to cinch it and make it fit well there. It fit wonderfully at the store three weeks ago. Then I got it home and put it in the closet, to be worn for the next dress-up opportunity that came my way.

Threeish weeks later (in other words, the other night), I put the shirt on, tied up the waist, and stood in front of the mirror. Lo and behold, it didn't look right anymore. It was baggy and a little tenty everywhere. So I adjusted the straps on my bra, thinking that maybe the giganto boobs needed to be lifted a bit. It helped, but it was still too big. It took me a second to realize that the only logical conclusion is that I'VE LOST WEIGHT! I don't own a scale and I hadn't noticed any other changes yet, so this was a revelation. I'm still a little on the disbelieving side because it was too easy. I've barely done anything different in the last couple months than I've been doing for my entire life. I'm simply keeping track of the calories that go in, in relation to the ones that are burned up. Its so fucking simple, and yet, its taken me so long to just try it.

I'm still not doing much in the muscle-building area, but I'll continue to tell myself that its because the weather is shitty and I hate winter and it just needs it to be nicer outside. I won't worry about that for a while yet. Even so, at this rate, I'll be able to go bathing suit shopping in the spring and it might actually be fun instead of depressing and torturous!