Winter Blues

I'm definitely someone who feels the Winter Blues come January. I knew it would be especially shitty this year, what with the unemployment of Dude and myself. December went surprisingly well, despite the fact that we were spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week together. We didn't have money for extracurricular activity of any sort, so we stayed home because the weather was way too shitty to leave the house, watched movies, spent too much time online, cleaned, ate and slept. And it was fine; dare I even say it was Good. Normally, I can't spend that much one-on-one time with anyone without getting annoyed and bitchy, but that didn't happen. Well, not until January, anyway. Notoriously the most depressing month of the year (at least in this part of the country, what with the HEINOUS winters we get), the January Doldrums kicked in hard and heavy within the first week. Dude had no income and I only had unemployment income. Unemployment is all well and good, but my stash ran out very recently, and the federal extension only goes until the end of February. I'm really, really, really hoping for another extension, as I've yet to find a job, but if it doesn't happen, I might be totally screwed, income-wise, for the first time in my life. It's not a pleasant thought. So there's all that to think about, and then there's a dude who stopped taking his brain meds because he didn't want to spend the money to refill the prescription. Obviously, that's a huge "DUH" to him because he NEEDS to take the meds and his shitty mood will only get worse and potentially unbearable without them. (Side note, why is it that so many dudes are willing to put their health and well-being on the back burner if they become inconveniences? What good is anything else in your life, if you don't have your health?!) He also didn't tell me that he hadn't had any meds for over two weeks at that point, so I just thought, for two entire weeks, that he was morphing into a terrible troll of a person the entire time and getting more and more and more angry at him. When he finally did tell me, I got annoyed, of course, but then realized why he'd been so incredibly difficult to live with lately and felt a whole lot better about us, instantly. He wasn't a troll after all! He was just stupid! So the next day, he refills his 'scrip and within a couple days, he's back to normal.

Then, miracles upon miracles, HE GOT A JOB! Granted, it was temporary, but still, any income at all is clearly better than none! His friend owns a flooring business and needed help with a job, so Dude started last week. It was going fine (surprisingly enough, since Dude is so very, very resistant to change of any sort), until he came home last night and said that the other part-owner of the business was getting on his case about not working fast enough. Now, keep in mind that Dude's never done this type of work before and this was literally his second day of doing it on his own, so it's entirely possible that the co-owner was just being a dick. I've done enough construction (not much, for sure, but enough) to know that the new guy always gets shit about being slow. Always. It's just sort of how that "boy's club" environment works. Something to do with the size of their dicks and level of machismo. But regardless, Dude wasn't taking the shit well, and I can't blame him because it totally sucks to know that everyone is better than you and that your income depends on your performance. On the other hand, I understand that if Dude were faster, they'd all be done with the job sooner and make more money. So anyway, I just tried to chalk it up to "boy's club" and machismo. But then I woke up at 10 a.m. and Dude was still here. I asked why and he said co-owner texted him this morning and told him they didn't need his help today. No one's said anything about tomorrow yet, but if this is it and Dude doesn't work with them anymore, I'm going to be PISSED. Someone needs to confront the goddamn situation here and find out what the fuck is going on, and it clearly can't be me (though I totally would). I don't want to be Dude's momma. He needs to deal with his own problems. And he also doesn't need to get shit from these guys about his girlfriend handling his life for him. So I'll guess I'll keep my mouth shut, sit back, and see what happens. It's Wednesday now. If he doesn't work anymore this week, something's going to have to be done. I really hope it doesn't come to that.

Shit Day

Today is a total shit day. I woke up feeling better than okay, but quickly descended into a dark, dark hole of despair. I feel awful about myself right now. I feel lazy, immature, unaccomplished, petty, complacent and sad. I'm a grown, almost 30 year old woman. I have two college degrees and no job. I talk a huge game about what I want my life to be like, and do almost NOTHING to make it happen. I'm a fucking fool.

The totally fucked up part about it is that I know I am fully capable of digging myself out of the deep, dark hole I've climbed into. Completing my grad school application would lift me to new levels of joy right now, and I'm positive that if I just sat down and did it, I'd be completely finished in not more than three hours. So why in the fuck have I not finished it yet?! Why do I ALWAYS do this?! Why do I put shit off until I feel like I want to put my fucking head in the oven for being worthless and lazy? I do. Not. Know. I do know that I do this constantly, though. Am I insane? A glutton for punishment? An utter masochist? What the fuck is my problem?! I mean, I'm completely aware that I operate best under pressure, so is that it? Do I put ridiculous, guilt-for-not-accomplishing-shit pressure onto myself in order to force myself to DO SOMETHING? I have no other explanation for it, so I guess that's it. Or maybe the explanation is that I just am, in fact, a worthless piece of shit.

In only somewhat related news, I interviewed for a job on Monday, and while the job is totally stupid and will require a 45 minute commute each way every goddamn day, it would still be nice to get it and not be un-fucking-employed anymore. However, I know, without a single doubt in my mind, that I WILL hate it if I do get it. I'll sit in a cubicle with a goddamn headset on, calling people who don't want to hear from me to offer them products that, if they really needed them, they would have ordered on their own time, without any prompting from me or anyone else. So it'll be really, really stupid. But it's also really, really necessary for me to have regular and dependable income and health insurance. So I'll take it if it's offered, and because it's such a shit job, I would be more surprised if they didn't offer it to me. I expect they have a high turnover rate, which means damn near anyone will get a chance at it. I guess one good thing about it would be that I would have a deadline to finish the graduate school application because I know I wouldn't have the energy to work on it if I were working a shitty full time job. So if the job is offered, I'll have from now until whenever they ask me to start to finish the app. Wish me luck, I guess.