First and foremost, Dude and I are physically separated. He left NM for IA almost two months ago for multiple reasons, and I've been living alone (plus three cats) ever since. Of course there are nights when I'm lonely, but I always have SO MUCH HOMEWORK that I can always find something to keep myself busy. We haven't broken up...yet. I know we should. I mostly want to. I cannot make myself do it. The only thing I can figure is that we've just been together for so stinkin' long that I can't even imagine life any other way. Every day, he's in the back of my thoughts. But never much more than that. It fucking sucks, if nothing else. I'm sure he's having issues with this situation, too, but we don't talk about them. We're both busy, and the majority of our communication comes in the form of random, superficial texts that we don't even exchange every day. It's like we just need to know the other is there. If I thought for one second that we could keep doing just that while being Officially Broken Up, I probably would've taken care of it by now. But I don't trust to ever even speak to me again, unless absolutely necessary, once it happens.
I also would really, really like to find a rebound to distract me from him, but have had zero luck with that, so far. Not for lack of trying, either, but I'm extremely particular. I find myself judging people immediately on their clothes or hair, and letting that be enough to dismiss them as options. I have to make a concerted effort to NOT do that. I also had a super pretty, big, fat coldsore all week, so I didn't want to deal with first impressions. (Aside: too bad that a common affliction like oral herpes becomes sexualized because of it's relation with genital herpes, despite the fact that over 80% of the population has it so it's actually pretty normal.)
Neighbor Friend had a first date the other night, and a 2nd, Sunday morning breakfast date today. Best Friend J had a real first date yesterday, and she's not even divorced yet. Other Best Friend K gets asked out constantly (not that that always works out for her). I'm not necessarily trying to whine about not getting enough attention from people I'm attracted to. I know that the energy I exude at any given moment has very much to do with the interactions I have. I need to try to be open and accepting if I want to meet new people. I suppose that'll be much, much easier to do once I'm officially single, but I'm practicing in the meantime. It's hard, though. I worry that there'll be a noticeable whiff of desperation to me once I'm single. Right now, there's none, because if I meet someone and something turns me off right away, I have NO problem checking them off the list and moving on. Will that be the case when I'm really single? It could be. I know what I don't want, for sure. It could also not be, cuz I'm afraid I'll be so heartbrokenly lonely that I may attempt to fall into the arms of the first person who lets me.
UGH. Whatever. I don't care. I mean, I do. I'm just feeling annoyed and obstinate about the whole thing. I should be doing homework. I had to get this out first.
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