Shit Day

Today is a total shit day. I woke up feeling better than okay, but quickly descended into a dark, dark hole of despair. I feel awful about myself right now. I feel lazy, immature, unaccomplished, petty, complacent and sad. I'm a grown, almost 30 year old woman. I have two college degrees and no job. I talk a huge game about what I want my life to be like, and do almost NOTHING to make it happen. I'm a fucking fool.

The totally fucked up part about it is that I know I am fully capable of digging myself out of the deep, dark hole I've climbed into. Completing my grad school application would lift me to new levels of joy right now, and I'm positive that if I just sat down and did it, I'd be completely finished in not more than three hours. So why in the fuck have I not finished it yet?! Why do I ALWAYS do this?! Why do I put shit off until I feel like I want to put my fucking head in the oven for being worthless and lazy? I do. Not. Know. I do know that I do this constantly, though. Am I insane? A glutton for punishment? An utter masochist? What the fuck is my problem?! I mean, I'm completely aware that I operate best under pressure, so is that it? Do I put ridiculous, guilt-for-not-accomplishing-shit pressure onto myself in order to force myself to DO SOMETHING? I have no other explanation for it, so I guess that's it. Or maybe the explanation is that I just am, in fact, a worthless piece of shit.

In only somewhat related news, I interviewed for a job on Monday, and while the job is totally stupid and will require a 45 minute commute each way every goddamn day, it would still be nice to get it and not be un-fucking-employed anymore. However, I know, without a single doubt in my mind, that I WILL hate it if I do get it. I'll sit in a cubicle with a goddamn headset on, calling people who don't want to hear from me to offer them products that, if they really needed them, they would have ordered on their own time, without any prompting from me or anyone else. So it'll be really, really stupid. But it's also really, really necessary for me to have regular and dependable income and health insurance. So I'll take it if it's offered, and because it's such a shit job, I would be more surprised if they didn't offer it to me. I expect they have a high turnover rate, which means damn near anyone will get a chance at it. I guess one good thing about it would be that I would have a deadline to finish the graduate school application because I know I wouldn't have the energy to work on it if I were working a shitty full time job. So if the job is offered, I'll have from now until whenever they ask me to start to finish the app. Wish me luck, I guess.