(Debatably) Triumphant Return

It's been so long, Dearest Blog! Not quite a year, though, so at least there's that, I guess. Things have CHANGED since I last wrote. But some things have stayed exactly the same, too.

First and foremost, Dude and I are physically separated. He left NM for IA almost two months ago for multiple reasons, and I've been living alone (plus three cats) ever since. Of course there are nights when I'm lonely, but I always have SO MUCH HOMEWORK that I can always find something to keep myself busy. We haven't broken up...yet. I know we should. I mostly want to. I cannot make myself do it. The only thing I can figure is that we've just been together for so stinkin' long that I can't even imagine life any other way. Every day, he's in the back of my thoughts. But never much more than that. It fucking sucks, if nothing else. I'm sure he's having issues with this situation, too, but we don't talk about them. We're both busy, and the majority of our communication comes in the form of random, superficial texts that we don't even exchange every day. It's like we just need to know the other is there. If I thought for one second that we could keep doing just that while being Officially Broken Up, I probably would've taken care of it by now. But I don't trust to ever even speak to me again, unless absolutely necessary, once it happens.

I also would really, really like to find a rebound to distract me from him, but have had zero luck with that, so far. Not for lack of trying, either, but I'm extremely particular. I find myself judging people immediately on their clothes or hair, and letting that be enough to dismiss them as options. I have to make a concerted effort to NOT do that. I also had a super pretty, big, fat coldsore all week, so I didn't want to deal with first impressions. (Aside: too bad that a common affliction like oral herpes becomes sexualized because of it's relation with genital herpes, despite the fact that over 80% of the population has it so it's actually pretty normal.)

Neighbor Friend had a first date the other night, and a 2nd, Sunday morning breakfast date today. Best Friend J had a real first date yesterday, and she's not even divorced yet. Other Best Friend K gets asked out constantly (not that that always works out for her). I'm not necessarily trying to whine about not getting enough attention from people I'm attracted to. I know that the energy I exude at any given moment has very much to do with the interactions I have. I need to try to be open and accepting if I want to meet new people. I suppose that'll be much, much easier to do once I'm officially single, but I'm practicing in the meantime. It's hard, though. I worry that there'll be a noticeable whiff of desperation to me once I'm single. Right now, there's none, because if I meet someone and something turns me off right away, I have NO problem checking them off the list and moving on. Will that be the case when I'm really single? It could be. I know what I don't want, for sure. It could also not be, cuz I'm afraid I'll be so heartbrokenly lonely that I may attempt to fall into the arms of the first person who lets me.

UGH. Whatever. I don't care. I mean, I do. I'm just feeling annoyed and obstinate about the whole thing. I should be doing homework. I had to get this out first.

Stylin'...or Not

Halloween happened a week or so ago. I love me some Halloween and usually develop a strong obsession with wearing the PERFECT costume. However, when you're broke, new to a city, and aren't surrounded by friends who are also obsessed with costuming, it's hard to make the perfect costume happen. I've also found that I tend to shit out on myself every other year or so. If my costume last year was incredible (it was), then this year's will be mediocre, at best (it was). The only good thing about mediocre costumes is that I usually find a way to wear a couple mediocre costumes throughout the weekend. I guess two crappy costumes are better than one? So anyway, this year, on Saturday night, I wore (fake) blood soaked hospital scrubs, and then on Sunday, I wore what I called an Ambivalent Hipster costume, which consisted of a bunch of normal clothes I already had, worn together to suggest that I'm too cool and alternative to give a shit. I posted a picture of it on Facebook, and got a lot of compliments about how cute it was. I did actually kind of agree, but it also felt really trendy and like I tried really hard to look nice. However, there's nothing wrong with looking nice, and now, after all the compliments and the fact that I actually felt noticeable and decent that day, I've decided that I need to revamp my personal style. I'm not going for "hipster cool," but I would like to take advantage of some trends that actually work really well for me. Plus, I totally want to go shopping. It'll take some time to put the wardrobe together satisfactorily, but consider it my goal for the rest of this year.

We Can Do Anything by Working with Each Other!e

Cheese, cheese, cheese title, I know. It's a song from the Garbage Pail Kids movie, and it's on during a typical 80s movie scene: there's a major obstacle that prevents the characters from achieving some kind of we're-the-underdogs, but-we-can-totally-DO-THIS-type goal, so there's a hark-work-pays-off montage with something upbeat and inspirational playing the background. I started thinking about this song today after a couple of texts from Dude this morning, freaking out about his truck not working. If his truck doesn't work, how's he going to get here? He could just wait, push back the move date, and work for a while longer until he can afford something. The problem with that is that I'm turning 30 in three weeks, and I really want him to be there. Part of the whole plan will have to be changed if he won't be there. I'll still have an old friend to hang out with, but this birthday's a big deal to me (well, all birthdays are a big deal to me, but especially this one. It's totally a milestone, after all) and I just really want him there in time for it. Renting something is exorbitantly expensive. Buying another vehicle in the next two weeks is unaffordable (I think?), unless he's willing to do something drastic like use a credit card. I know, I know, it's horrible. The debt is expensive as shit, the rates are too high, and it takes forever to pay them off, not to mention the fact that if something happens to the car, you still have to pay the ridiculous card bills. It's a very extreme decision. However, that option is what made me start thinking about the song. Between my prodding and his will, we can make him coming here happen, one way or another. I have that kind of attitude because being persistent has been a huge part of my personality for as long as I can remember. It probably started because my parents never really told me no. I kind of got to do whatever I wanted, and get whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. I was an only child for four years and my parents were old enough to not be scraping-the-barrel-broke. I never wanted for anything, as the saying goes, and I guess that stuck with me. They remained lax and yielding to me, and I learned to get what I wanted. This, of course, doesn't apply to everything in my life, but when I can control it in any way, I do. I get that this could sound a little unstable, and I understand, but it works for me, so whatever.

So the whole point of the rambling is that if I were in the situation Dude's in, I'd simply find a way. I'd use a credit card, if I had to. I'd take out way more student loans than necessary. I would sell all my earthly possessions. He doesn't even have pets to deal with. They complicated this process more than I could have ever imagined. If absolutely nothing else, he could pack what he can carry and/or check, and buy a plane ticket with the $500 deposit he got back from the house. I wanted this and needed this, really, so, so, SO badly that I would've done whatever I had to do to get here. I didn't have to go to extremes, but I am taking on a fat pile of debt. Again. I'm looking forward, though, to the much better paying job I'll get when I'm done here in two plus years.

Maybe this all just means that he doesn't want this badly enough. Maybe he doesn't want his life to change as much as I did. I guess that if that's the case, it's probably best that he makes excuses and talks his way out of it, or he'll just be miserable, which won't be any fun for me, either. Just because this is what's right for me, doesn't necessarily mean it's right for him, I suppose. I think it's totally worth it for him and that he just needs a combination of open-mindedness and adventure and he'll be great here. It's not for me to decide, though.

Burning Loins

So, there's plenty that I *should* be doing right now, but when the mood to write strikes, I can't ignore it, so here I am instead. The things that need to be done are some laundry, some working out, some dj meeting prep work and most importantly, some homework, but it's all going to have to wait another 20 minutes, which isn't much, if you really think about it.

A couple things struck me today and made me feel like writing. The first one is that I'm so goddamn horny that I can't go to bed at night without having at least one sex-related dream. Most of them result in the proverbial blue balls (or maybe blue...clit? Vulva? Vagina? There's no real female equivalent to balls, are there...hmmm...) and I'm too disappointed upon waking to finish it off. It's been years since I've been so hard up for naughty time, but I'm not surprised by it. For the first time in a very long time, everything in my life is new. I have new, long term goals that I work toward accomplishing every day, and it feels good. I feel good about myself, for a change, and that makes me feel good about being a sexual person again. And boy howdy, am I ever one of those. If Dude doesn't get here, soon, I might have to invest in the entire line of toys from my catalogs (by the way, have I ever mentioned that I sell sex toys? Yeah, thank goodness, I know), even though toys are never as much fun as the real thing.

Speaking of Dude and him getting here, he's starting to get really nervous about it. He had a mini-freak out yesterday because he's worried about leaving all his friends and family, and he's worried about not having any money. For the record, while earning money once he's here is important, it's not on the top of the list, due to the fact that my student loan money will pay for us to live here, for at least the next year, if not forever. What I do consider to the on the top of the list is that he opens his heart and his mind to all things new. There's no other way for him to make this change in his life and come out of it a happy person. It's hard and lonely sometimes, to pick up and move your entire life across the country, but it's really, really good, too, IF you're willing to embrace it. I'm honestly not 100% confident that he is willing, which will make both of our lives hell for a while, if he doesn't. We'll just have to wait and see, I guess.

Somewhat related to the previous paragraph is that I MISS my friends from home so terribly much! I'm not sure how I'd do this and remain anything but a sobbing pile of shit without facebook. I suppose you could argue that it would be easier without facebook, because I wouldn't have the constant reminder of what's going on with them, but I love it and wouldn't give it up for the world. I've only been here for about six weeks, and as much as I do love it and have embraced it, I feel like the midwest will eventually be my home destination, once I'm through here. And I'm totally cool with that.

Newness is Goodness

It's been a while since I've written here, hasn't it. Updates are in order, I think.

The move to NM has been successfully completed. I've been here for almost three weeks now, and so far, so good. Dude should be joining me in another month or so, and I've got the cats with me, thank goodness, or else I'd be one lonely, sad sack right now. If it weren't for the cats, I'd have a dog by now, for sure.

Classes started last week, and getting back into the swing of having actual homework to do is strange, but not bad, probably because I only have two real classes this semester. I'm starting another class this week, only this one is purely voluntary and much different than my other ones. The university offers tons of work-out type classes every day, all day, for free to students, and I'm checking out pilates today. I've done pilates at home before, and I don't hate it the way I hate most work-outs. The best work-out I've ever had was water aerobics, so I might try that class tomorrow. Either way, I simply must take advantage of the fact that there're free classes at my disposal, every day and all day. Pushing 30 has really made me aware of my metabolism, and the fact that it's been slower and slower every year since 25. There's no reason at all for me to be unhappy about my body, especially when I have the classes at my disposal.

I should also be able to pick up my financial aid check tomorrow, deposit it into my new bank account tomorrow afternoon, and finally, finally, finally, buy a new couch on Friday! I can't WAIT to have real furniture in the giant, beautiful and currently empty living room! It's the only thing I'm willing to spend a significant bit of money on by buying it new instead of used, so I'm going to make the most of it and get a huge, sweet sectional that me, Dude and all three cats can be on at the same time, without touching each other. That probably sounds like something really strange to be excited about, but it's a big deal for me. The old living room was tiny, and the one, regular sized couch we had barely accommodated both of us. I want space to sprawl and I want us both to be able to fall asleep on the couch without getting in each other's way. Everything else will be bought used from the various used furniture places here, or from Craigslist. The next things on the list are an office desk with tons of storage and a dresser for the rest of my clothes that won't fit in my closet. It's slow going, but I love furnishing a new place!

More (Potential) Roses

I've had another lovely rose pop up recently, in the form of a Samsung Acclaim smartphone. It took me a while to figure out how to run the basic functions, but once I kind of figured out what I was doing, I starting looking into various applications. My most recent and so far, most favorite, is one called Calorie Counter. I put the food and the serving size into the program and it calculates the calories and nutritional info. It's AWESOME and I'm back to being conscious of the food I put in my body again.

Everything's Coming Up Roses...

...and it's about damn time! Seriously, though? So many things I've wanted for so very long have finally started to happen this year! Some things also totally sucked, but so far, it's all led to something even more awesome than I could've imagined. I guess it kind of started when I got laid off last fall from a job I didn't like at all, and couldn't have stayed at too long by choice anyway. I drew unemployment and lazed about for a while, and it was nice. Then I started to feel like a pile of worthless, non-contributing crap and my benefits were nearing their end, and found some hilarious and sometimes awesome census work. Then it was back to the old test scoring place that has temp. jobs year round for a few months. Somewhere in there, I applied for a wedding coordinator/dj job. Considering the fact that they just offered me a branch of their business in the city I'm moving to in less than a month, rather than lose me all together, I'd say that's worked out incredibly well. And why am I moving in less than a month? Oh, only because I got accepted to graduate school. So now, I have a job that encompasses everything I've ever wanted one to have, I get to learn a bunch of new stuff, and be in an intellectual environment again. I seriously couldn't ask for more right now. Well, except for ourselves, our crap, and especially our cats to be magically transported the thousand plus miles that it's going to take to get there, for free. Alas, it'll never be. A girl can dream, can't she?